Never Bet on Christmas
by blackbubbledancer
Summary: It's Christmas time and Nanao's feeling benevolent so what happens when our favorite Taichou loses it and Nanao makes a bet ? (Just a little piece of crack to brighten your holiday enjoyment)


**So, what's Christmas without a little crack ? This idea came to me a few years ago and I have just been to big of a weenie to put it up because holiday fic's scare me so please be kind to your author. **

**So without further a due. . . . Your annual does of Christmas crack**

**Xoxoxo- Blackbubbes **

She had lost , she never lost anything in her entire life not matter what . May it be a pen or a bet to see who win when Renji and Shuuhei would spare or if Matsumoto's boobs would pop out of her hakima top that day . Everything was number it was sequences they were easy to analyze and calculate the outcome . With just using the numbers it was an almost infallible method.

Almost. . . letting out a deep sigh she let her head thump onto her arms that where crossed on her desk

"How did this happen?" she muttered to her desk

She could always put her money on Kuchiki Taichou he was as predictable as death and taxes . He was even more predictable than she was! And that was talent. If he were a game of roulette he was like putting half your money on black half on red because no matter what YOU ALWAYS WON!.

Picking up her head with a rather un amused expression on her face she looked at the clock.

"Bastard." She grumbled as she stared down at a large stack of paper work that had accrued on her desk

Taking a deep breath she really did have to reminisce It has started out a simple enough day she and Matsumoto had been strolling down one of the main roads in the middle of the Seireitei when they felt two extremely powerful riatsue flare . One was Kenpachi no surprise there ,but oddly enough the other was Kuchiki's not the younger one, but Kuchiki Taichou.

As they walked further away from the disturbance Matsumoto snorted. " He is trying to goad Kuchiki into trying to fight him again." The buxom blond snickered a bit .

She just let out a deep slow breath. " I don't know when Zakari will realize that Kuchiki will never fight him."

The other woman just shrugged. "You never know." She looked over at her with a sly smile. "What do you want to bet that Kuchiki will take him on it today."

Nanao snorted this was an easily won bet even if Kuchiki's riatsu flared a little he would NEVER bother to lift a finger to the bigger scary man so this was like taking candy from a baby. Taking a deep breath she looked in the direction of the energy disturbance.

"What's the wager?"

She watched the red heads eyes light up and her wheels start to spin. " Well its almost Christmas."

The taller woman giggled as her idea looked to be growing as they talked .

"Yes it is." Nanao was now watching the other woman carefully because the grin she was starting to get was a little scary.

"If Kuchiki picks this fight you have to dress up like Mrs. Clause in the outfit of my choice."

She pondered this and shrugged. " Sure , why not" she looked over to the buxom blonde trying to figure out what her end of the bet would be . ' Kuchiki hasn't failed me yet.' She thought to herself and year to date he hadn't failed her in any of her bets with the other woman. Hell she had half the men's and women's Shinigami associations in debt to her because of their badly made wagers on the taichou.

Suddenly there was an extremely loud bang followed by a huge ploom of pick metallic cherry blossoms.

Nanao looked up in disbelief and a little bit of horror "What the hell !" she exclaimed as she dodged a large piece of falling debrief coming from somewhere. Grabbing Rangiku Nanao looked for a place to dodge falling debris finding a small alcove Nanao watched as the other woman started to crack up laughing.

"Ha!" the other woman turned and pointed to her. " I knew he would snap this morning."

All Nanao could do was look at Matsumoto in horror because she was shell shocked Kuchiki never did this. Ever. This couldn't have just happened. She looked over at Matsumoto with what she was sure was a confused expression. "How?" she said in disbelief.

Matsumoto was smiling like the Cheshire cat now. "Kuchiki caught Renji and Rukia playing in a none to platonic way in squad six's office last night when they thought no one was there."

Even though she had lost the bet she still couldn't help but laugh that would have been a sight to see she was surprised no one died. Then it hit her as she looked in the directions of the loud noises of building plooms of smoke . "Is Renji still alive?"

Matsumoto nodded her head a little " More or less." She shrugged . " He'll be okay in a few days I'm sure."She said nonchalantly

Nanao's mouth dropped open in disbelief . 'poor Renji ' she thought to herself but stop in mid thought as she saw the expression on Matsumotos face slowly turn vacant something was happening but she was facing Matsumoto so all she could see was the woman steadily get stiff and her eyes get extremely large . Nanao knew she didn't want to look back so she would just wait until whatever it was that was coming towards them passed.

It took a moment but when she saw him she had to bit her lip when she saw who it was, It was definitely Kuchiki Taichou passing them deftly, but his kenseikan was crooked and his scarf had a hole in it.

Both women held their breath until the taichou had turned the corner and they were sure he was fare , fare out of ear shot.

"Wow." Was the only thing she could say it was really all that was left to say.

Matsumoto just looked scared. "You think they will send him home today due to a stress aneurism that has finally exploded in his brain causing him to finally blow a gasket ."

"I don't know." She said in disbelief.

They both looked at each other for a long moment in more disbelief.

Another long moment passed before she saw a light start to glimmer in the other woman's eyes as she started to laugh. " I won." Matsumoto almost shouted. " I actually freaking won, you have to wear a Santa suit!"

Her stomach felt like it had plummeted to the floor. "Oh god." She said as a slow horror cheeped over her.

Matsumoto laughed and started to point at her in an almost childlike manner. " You can kiss your uniform good bye for the next week."

Letting out a low grown Nanao got a sinking feeling Matsumoto was not going to be merciful and her week would more than likely be a small hell.

XoooXoooXooooX

Nanao looked at herself in her antique flood length mirror and growled in exasperation she truly did hate Christmas and now she had on a damned Santa hat with a big poofy ball that was hanging over her shoulder as a reminder. Gone was all her efficiency in her dress her hair was down a out of its clip in nice big barrel rolled curls that had obscene amounts of hairspray to keep them in place as they cascaded down her back . Gone were her glass's as specified by the note left on how to complete this abomination . This just looked wrong and it was only her head that she was looking at it wasn't the rest of her yet . She didn't even know if she could bring herself to look at the rest of herself in the mirror. The outfit had nothing to do with Christmas at all , and if it did it was only because Santa married a stripper

Frowning deeply now she let her eyes travel down her body and she involuntarily shivered because she was wearing marabou. To be precise it was a deep red corseted top with plunging white marabou trim that accentuated what the damn corset had lifted and separated . She did not want to lift and separate ! she thought to herself angrily , she did not want to show her boobs! She liked being plain and non descript this however was not. However as Matsumoto said she was being kind by letting her wear white opera length gloves to keep her arms "warm" . . . "how kind of her." She thought acerbically .

Letting out a deep ,angry, shaking breath she forced her eyes drop further . She was wearing a skirt if you could consider it one again it was the same tacky red with more white marabou trim along the bottom and if that weren't short enough the woman had so kindly bought a little frilly crinoline skirt to go under it to make it look more "Poofy." Basically she thought bitterly the only reason it was there was so her ass could be boarder line hanging out. After this week she thought bitterly death would come quickly to the horrid woman and a particularly slow one to Kuchiki Taichou for losing his temper , she would teach him to never lose her temper again.

Looking further down was worse, oh god it was worse . She had on white thigh highs with big read bows in the back and little hearts causing a back seem. Someone was going to die for this but the icing on the cake was she was stuck for a week in tacky red six and a half inch stiletto's that has somehow appeared with this horrid costume. . . "Fucking Kuchiki, she thought bitterly."

Looking at the clock she grumbled more , it was time for her to go to work actually it was well passed time and she would be late for work . Hopefully by now everyone was off the street and tucked into their respected squads doing their own work. Hopefully life would be kind.

Stepping out the door a nice cold draft hit her legs and she almost spout out a string of profanities that would make any man is squad eleven proud. Taking a few deep calming breaths she had to remind herself that really she had done this to herself and with all the horrid things she had gotten people to do over the years for her because they lost bets turn about was fair play.

She looked around as she made her way down one of the back allies to get to her squads office there was no one around to see her public humiliation. Letting out a deep breath watching the condensation puff in the ,air she shiver again , but so far so good. Maybe no one would recognize her and if they did she thought bitterly she would kido there ass's into oblivion if they made a comment..

She made it to her office without incident no one had seen her or if they did they didn't know it was her so that was one small victory won. Slinking into her office , shaking her head she couldn't believe she was slinking into her own office , she never slinked ,ever! So walking briskly or perhaps it looked more like running to everyone else but she would call it walking briskly she slammed her door and started to write a note to put on her door that simply stated ,

DO NOT ENTER THIS OFFICE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH AND OR DISMEMBERMENT. HOWEVER PLEASE SLIP ALL DOCUMENTS NO MATTER HOW BIG UNDER THE DOOR AND I WILL GET THEM DONE IN A TIMELY MANNER. THANK YOU YOUR VICE CAPTAIN NANAO ISE .

She was in such a bad mood she thought about stapling the damn thing to the door but thought better of it , so instead she just used a large amount of industrial tape so it would stay on there and there would be no mistakes or misunderstandings.

Now that her first chore was done she could check if off her extensive list of things she was going to have to do today. Her next endeavor was going to give her the sickest amount of satisfaction and make a whole bunch of people uncomfortable . Unfortunately it also wasn't going to pleasant for herself either but it would be more than worth it.

Taking her life and her reputation in her hands she Stepped out of her office only to get hit by a blast of glacial air causing her teeth to chatter and the little hairs on her arms to stand on end ." Oh he will pay for this." She thought darkly as she calmed her body's reaction to the cold down and forcing a sugary sweet smile on her face that more than likely would make people wonder if she was feeling okay.

Putting a little sway to her hips she smiled a little bit more because despite what people though she did actually have the ability to act , walk , talk and dress like a woman not like the efficient machine everyone thought she was. Plus In high , high heels it was a lot easier to walk with a little sway to your hips. . . . Her mood started to lift slightly with that thought before a drop of snow hit her nose emitting a little growl she swore she was going to make him pay.

Trying to save every shred of dignity she still had left for as long as she could she practically ran to squad six as the snow started to come down harder and harder. Shivering like an angry Chihuahua she opened the door so a blast of warm air could hit her almost frozen body. As the door slammed shut due to an angry gust of wind Renji looked up and she swore his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

"One word Abari." Glaring she pointed her finger at his nose as if in preparation for a kido spell " just one word and it will be all over for you."

She watched as he nodded with a stupid grin on his face. Taking a deep angry breath in she glared down at him hopeing and failing to get that stupid grin off his face.

" Is Kuchiki Taichou in?"

All the poor boy could do was nod his head .

Regaining her composure and smoothing her skirt out properly she walked down the hall to the man's office not even bother to knock as she entered because at this moment she really didn't care who was in there because she knew with the expression on her face that they would quickly leave.

"Renji , how many times do I have to ask you to knock before you enter." He growled not even bothering to look up from his paper work.

" I don't know" she snapped "but quite a few with the way your growling."

She watched Byakuya pick up his head slowly and look in her direction for a long moment before his lips tilted up into the start of what could possibly be a smile.

"And what do I owe the pleasure of your company this early in the morning Ise." His smirk darkened as her named rolled off his tongue like hot honey, and then it hit her like a ton of bricks he had lost it on purpose. He had purposely provoked a fight with Zaraki . She watched as he looked her up slowly with the same dark smile then back down again . She would not let his gaze affect her because she was sufficiently going to beat the crap out of this man ,Boyfriend, Taichou or not.

Pointing one angry finger at him she pursed her lips together for a moment to collect her thoughts before so she could speak at least civilly if not respectfully to him seeing as it was his office " You did that on purpose."

" I don't know what you mean Lieutenant Nanao " As a more than salacious smile graced his lips as he seemed to almost drink her in.

"You…" she sputtered " You knew Matsumoto saw " she flipped her hand around in a circular motion " Whatever it was Renji and Rukia were doing."

Leaning back in his chair the smile settled fully onto his lips and into his whole being even his eyes showed the mirth that he was feeling .

"And a Merry Christmas to you too Ise."

**Okay guys there it was . Love it , hate it , think next year I could come up with something even more crackish? **

**Regardless of the crack what did you guys think of the couple as a whole? I would really love and appreciate some feed back .**

**And please *is on her knees* please review**

**Love- your humble author.**

**Oh P.S Happy Holidays However you chose to celebrate have a great one : ) **


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